It’s utterly unimaginable that his vibrant, meaningful life continues to cease to exist. 2015 was the last year he lived and now 2016 is gone. It holds significance, the first full year. That is an agony only a Mother of loss can understand. The first full year my son failed to walk this earth just ended. New years are now about time measurement, not time management. If I were to make a resolution, I think it would be to continue trusting in that even on the many days its nearly impossible to. I know there is only one plan for my life that’s in play and the author of it knows me and loves me more than I can imagine, and I am beginning to trust that again.
I’m not an unstructured, undisciplined mess or anything, but in the light of what I face everyday, my earthly plans and material desires have been brought into crystal clear perspective. Those things barely register on any scale of importance anymore. It’s not about resolute goals, plans, prosperity, structure and gym routines. Off he went for the battle, sufficiently warmed up.Ī new year brings a whole different kind of reflection. He was so excited and his eyes looked even more big and beautiful when he wore a hat and his cheeks were all red from the cold. He and G “tricked them” and purposely built the opposing fort flimsy so it would fall over easily. Laughing, playing with his best friend, telling me how they built 2 forts in preparation for a big snowball fight with the other boys his age. Why is this snowstorm making me ache so badly? The last big snowstorm he played in is one of my last vivid memories of him. It’s the time of the year that defines his last weeks here with us- snow storms, school closings, fevers and colds. The coexistence of love and pain, joy and anger, laughter and tears, hope and hopelessness and beauty and sorrow is part of me now and for the foreseeable future.Īiden. Why my child? Why us? Why can’t he be looking out at the snow with me right now? God, I miss him. I begin to think about how excited he would be right now and how he should be here, and the beauty I’m enjoying is quickly blanketed in sorrow. It snowed here last night so the ground is covered in white and the soft hush that accompanies snowstorms is present. I woke this morning to a scene of quiet serenity outside.
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